A big nurse and a con man walk into bar. The bartender says, "I've got the cure for what ails ya." The con man says, "I'll have Sex With Candy."

    2 oz spiced rum (Kraken Black Spiced Rum)
    1 oz triple sec (Cointreau)
    1 oz vodka (Russian Standard)
    1 splash grenadine (homemade)
    pineapple juice (Dole)

Mix. Pour over ice, in a white wine glass. Fill with pineapple juice. Add a small slice of strawberry and a peppermint.

The nurse replies, "No. He'll have a Lobotomy."

    1/2 oz pineapple juice (Dole)
    1/2 oz Amaretto (di Saronno)
    1/2 oz raspberry liqueur (Chambord)
    1/4 oz Champagne (Asti Spumante)

Shake all ingredients except champagne in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a 2-oz shot glass. Top with a bit of champagne.

But instead the bartender serves a Cosmopolitan. Go figure.

    1 1/2 oz vodka (Russian Standard)
    1 oz cranberry juice (Lakewood Organic Pure Cranberry)
    1/2 oz triple sec (Hiram Walker)
    1/2 oz lime juice (Santa Cruz Organic)

Combine with ice in a shaker. Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

Highly Pretentious Tasting Notes and Impressions:


  • Not something I'd spend $10 on in a restaurant.
  • Better than I expected. Probably because I didn't spend $10 on it in a restaurant.
  • Using 100 percent pure, no sugar added, fresh pressed/fresh squeezed, not from concentrate, 100% organic fruit juices probably means my homemade cocktail cost me $10.
  • Smartly tart and mentally delicious.

Sex With Candy

  • Unattractively beige.
  • Overly pineapple.
  • I'll abstain.


  • Uhhhhh...yummy.
  • Lobotomy me!
  • Such a shame it's a shot.

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